My Mom is More Jewish Than Your Jewish Mom

If you’ve ever asked me what’s with my obsession with Jewish stuff, chances are you’ve heard answers that range from “Jewish boys are the hairier and taller version of Asian boys” to the more politically correct “I find their religious practice to be fascinating.”

Truth be told, there are a lot of reasons for my obsession with Jewish culture, but one of the bigger ones is that I have a Jewish mom.

I mean, obviously, my mom is not from Israel (which explains why I don’t have any resemblance to Natalie Portman), nor does she practice Judaism (though sometimes she begins her texts with ‘shalom’). But in every other sense, my mom fits the Jewish mom’s stereotype that is made popular by comedians, perhaps even more so than many real Jewish moms out there.

She thinks that a woman’s ultimate goal in life is to get married. I may get into the best b-school in the world or make a 7-figure income at 25 (I wish!), but before I get married, all she would say is “Good, but you also need to think about your future. Remember that no matter how smart you are or how much you achieve, no one has respect for an old spinster.”

To get me to think about marriage, she nags, threatens, manipulates, and of course, guilt trips me. Ask my mom how she’s doing, she’ll say “I’m fine... I’ve just been crying a lot lately,” and continue with such rhetorical question as “Why is it that other people’s daughters are all married but my own daughter does not even think about getting married?”

If I yell at her and ask to change the topic, she’ll further guilt trip me by discussing her assortment of health issues. "God forbid, I may die sooner than you think," she'd say. "Don't do anything that you may regret later." And while she's at it, she'd remind me that she dreams of being able to coddle my kids, which means that I should get married and make kids ay-es-ay-pe.

Seriously, how more Jewish can she get? And as if that's not enough, she’s also overbearing and overprotective, another stereotype of a Jewish mom.

Mom: Have you been eating well?
Me: Yea, I eat a lot of steamed broccoli lately
Mom: Are you sure broccoli doesn’t contain any unhealthy substance?

Mom: How’s work?
Me: Good. My boss is nice.
Mom: Is your boss male or female? Does he want anything from you?

I can go on and on and cite examples of my mom's Jewish-ness, but you get the point. And before you misunderstand me, let me clarify that I love my mom to death, and I love that she is very very Jewish. This note, rather, is my official explanation for why I stock canned matzo ball soup of all instant food, always brag about having a Jew-dar, and tell you all the Jewish celeb gossips as if I subscribe to the Jewish version of People. My mom is my excuse for being the Jewish-obsessed person that I am.

What Has Google Been Telling People Behind My Back?

It was recently brought to my attention that 70 percent of Americans Google someone they are about to meet. If the statistics is right (which I don't dispute because I do that myself), then I should expect that a blind date's or a job interviewer's first impression about me would be based on what they see on Google rather than in our first encounter. Kind of unfair, given that Google's portrayal of me is not so flattering and not updated in real time to reflect my frequently-changing-and-improving self.

A search on "Yuyun Hartono" takes 0.18 seconds and comes back with tens of results, none of which is particularly great: my LinkedIn profile; my Facebook account; my newspaper articles; and my blog.

So what are these search results telling people about me?

I suppose.. that I have a job? Thanks to LinkedIn, I have a medium to tell the world that I am employed. But unfortunately due to its widespread use, I can't inflate my job descriptions as much as I'd like to since every one of my colleagues is on LinkedIn and can sense the grandiosity.

That I am normal? (because I have a facebook account)

That I am an untalented aspiring journalist? You bet. Every page of my search results is flooded with newspaper articles with blah headlines like Students Rally for Tibetan Freedom or Students Rally for Gay Marriage and underwhelming content that always starts with "University of Wisconsin [students/professor/staff/etc.] [activity] [goal] ... ". I like to think that my writing has improved since my college newspaper days, but evidence that I suck is forever there to stay (thanks, Google!).

That I am a chronic complainer? I guess so. The search result that pops up most after the newspaper articles is my blog, which contains nothing but kvetch, kvetch and more kvetch.

Now put yourself in the shoes of a blind date or a potential employer. After you read all those ugly articles and my super modest job descriptions, would you believe me if I told you that "my strong writing skills will allow me to make a significant contribution to your firm"? Would you not think that I'm faking my positive attitude on our date having read all these complaint-laden blog posts?

The fact that my name is "Yuyun Hartono" of course doesn't help. These job interviewers and blind dates can spot me easily and can be sure that the information they've been scouring for the past 15 minutes is indeed about me.

I wish I could do something about it, like knocking unwanted results, prohibiting people to Google me, or changing my name. But none of those is likely gonna happen. That said, all I can do for now is just complain, complain and continue to complain until I realize that seasons change, hair turns gray, and Google will still be bitching about me.