Kvetch #9: Dining Alone in Jakarta

The sad thing about living alone, working too much, getting paid too little and lacking a social life as a result (if it's not sad enough) is that you often end up eating out alone because you have noone to unwind with after a long stressful day.

For a local in a highly UN-individualistic country like Indonesia, eating out alone is taboo. You grew up there, you were taught to take care of your family and friends, you have no language or cultural barrier, so you should have friends and there's no reason for you to eat alone. And like any other taboos, eating alone is damaging in many ways.

What if you run into a bunch of college friends who are having a reunion? "Awww, I'm sorry," they'd say. "If we knew that you were around, we would've invited you." You make other people feel sorry for eating together while you eat alone, and guilty for not having guessed that you'd be in that area that evening.

Even if you don't run into anyone you know, you're still liable to become an object of pity. The long-term stable couple in the next table who have nothing to talk about to even get thru the appetizer might try to come up with a chronological account and possibly a psychoanalysis on why you are at the restaurant, alone. "I think she just came back from her boyfriend's funeral and wanted to be alone," one of them would speculate. "Nah, she must have been a victim of child-abuse who can't make friends with anyone," the other would guess. Both concluded that they should be thankful that their lives are not as miserable as yours.

Even if there's no one else at the restaurant, eating alone could be damaging. You lose your power to complain at bad food and service. They'd assume that solo eaters are single and it's just too easy to dismiss your complaint as the typical behavior of a bitter over-aged single woman who presumably have character flaws. "Don't take it personally," a waitress would tell the one you scolded. "She's just, you know, an old spinster. It's not you, it's her."

Of course they wouldn't bother to think that this may be just a one-off thing and that you do have a life sometimes. Why would they anyway? As the person breaking the norm, its your responsibility to minimize the negative perception.

As a veteran loner, here's what I'd suggest:
- pretend to be a foreigner (remember, the stigma only applies to locals): bring a Jakarta map, speak broken Bahasa and hide your Blackberry
- act like a cool intellectual person with the fuck-the-world attitude: wear shorts, torn t-shirt and the $1 swallow-brand flipflop; conspicuously read good books with eccentric-sounding titles like "The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test" and avoid Eat, Pray and Love at all costs.

Well yea, it's kind of sad, but by doing that, at least you get to eat good food whenever you want it.