My Mom is More Jewish Than Your Jewish Mom

If you’ve ever asked me what’s with my obsession with Jewish stuff, chances are you’ve heard answers that range from “Jewish boys are the hairier and taller version of Asian boys” to the more politically correct “I find their religious practice to be fascinating.”

Truth be told, there are a lot of reasons for my obsession with Jewish culture, but one of the bigger ones is that I have a Jewish mom.

I mean, obviously, my mom is not from Israel (which explains why I don’t have any resemblance to Natalie Portman), nor does she practice Judaism (though sometimes she begins her texts with ‘shalom’). But in every other sense, my mom fits the Jewish mom’s stereotype that is made popular by comedians, perhaps even more so than many real Jewish moms out there.

She thinks that a woman’s ultimate goal in life is to get married. I may get into the best b-school in the world or make a 7-figure income at 25 (I wish!), but before I get married, all she would say is “Good, but you also need to think about your future. Remember that no matter how smart you are or how much you achieve, no one has respect for an old spinster.”

To get me to think about marriage, she nags, threatens, manipulates, and of course, guilt trips me. Ask my mom how she’s doing, she’ll say “I’m fine... I’ve just been crying a lot lately,” and continue with such rhetorical question as “Why is it that other people’s daughters are all married but my own daughter does not even think about getting married?”

If I yell at her and ask to change the topic, she’ll further guilt trip me by discussing her assortment of health issues. "God forbid, I may die sooner than you think," she'd say. "Don't do anything that you may regret later." And while she's at it, she'd remind me that she dreams of being able to coddle my kids, which means that I should get married and make kids ay-es-ay-pe.

Seriously, how more Jewish can she get? And as if that's not enough, she’s also overbearing and overprotective, another stereotype of a Jewish mom.

Mom: Have you been eating well?
Me: Yea, I eat a lot of steamed broccoli lately
Mom: Are you sure broccoli doesn’t contain any unhealthy substance?

Mom: How’s work?
Me: Good. My boss is nice.
Mom: Is your boss male or female? Does he want anything from you?

I can go on and on and cite examples of my mom's Jewish-ness, but you get the point. And before you misunderstand me, let me clarify that I love my mom to death, and I love that she is very very Jewish. This note, rather, is my official explanation for why I stock canned matzo ball soup of all instant food, always brag about having a Jew-dar, and tell you all the Jewish celeb gossips as if I subscribe to the Jewish version of People. My mom is my excuse for being the Jewish-obsessed person that I am.