Jew-ophilia

So, after my last kvetch about my Jewish mom, some people were kind enough to ask how my obsession with Jewish stuff began (you have no idea how much I love listening to myself talking about this!). In recounting all the things that happened between when the Jewish fever bug first bit me and today, when I am a full blown Jew-ophile, I came up with a brilliant theory that describes how the condition develops over time.

Stage 1 - appreciation of all things Jewish:

1. You are thirsty for knowledge of Jewish stuff. You’d rather read very trivial Jewish news like “Lesbian Jewish couple celebrate adopted daughter’s Bat Mitzvah” than breaking news about a deadly pandemic attacking your neighborhood.

2. You have affinity toward every and any Jewish person. You just feel that instant click as soon as you find out that the person is Jewish, even though an hour before you wish this person would get the hell outta your face (well, as you get more experience, you’ll realize that NOT all Jewish people are created equal).

3. You start to appreciate New York.. because it is the Jewish capital of the world.

Stage 2 - identity confusion:

4. You want to dress up as a Hasidic Jew or an Upper East Side Jewish nana (grandma) for Halloween.

5. You get offended when your friends describe Jewish people as stingy, sleazy or just plain annoying – as if they are talking about your dead close relative.

6. You sprinkle Yiddish words and old Jewish adage in conversations. "Oy, I wish I had the chutzpah" or "Listen, the optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole."

7. You think depression is hip. You ask your doctor to prescribe Xanax, Prozac or Valium because you want to emulate a Jewish American Princess (JAP).

8. You are convinced that you have a familial obligation to marry a doctor or a lawyer and so you read the NY Times wedding announcements regularly to examine how couples with the last names --berg, --man and Cohen first met.

Stage 3 – enlightenment:

9. After years of telling your friends every Jewish joke that you've learned (among other unimportant information), you realize that no one shares your enthusiasm for Jewish stuff, and you start questioning yourself.

10. You come to accept that you’re nuts, but try to convince people that you’re not the only one. And so you post a Facebook note that may pass as an American Psychological Association (APA) symptom checklist, hoping that people would think that Jew-ophilia is a common condition that could happen to anyone.